My husband and I met in highschool, fell in love and naturally, began talking about our future together. These conversations included dogs, marriage, a house, kids, you name it. We were naïve to the fact that one of these would be extremely difficult for us to achieve. We had nothing but hope for the future and were blissfully unaware of the storm that awaited us.
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Hey everyone! I’m Robyn and this is my fertility story.
My husband and I met in highschool, fell in love and naturally, began talking about our future together. These conversations included dogs, marriage, a house, kids, you name it. We were naïve to the fact that one of these would be extremely difficult for us to achieve. We had nothing but hope for the future and were blissfully unaware of the storm that awaited us.
We got married in June of 2017 and at this point, had our dogs and a home already checked off our list. I was graduating in November and had plans to open my spa right after, so we put off trying for a baby for a while. I went off birth control in January 2018 and by summer, we were ready. We tried and triedand nothing was happening. It had been about a year so I brought it up to my family doctor and she then referred us to a fertility clinic. Once we began with the new clinic we did initial testing like semen analysis, sonohysterogram, ultrasounds and bloodwork to check my hormone levels. Oddly enough I got pregnant that very month! I’m not entirely sure what allowed this to happen but it did and we were ecstatic! We told our family in cute and creative ways and were all on cloud 9. Then the unthinkable happened. We went in for an ultrasound and bloodwork to see how the baby was progressing and didn’t receive the best news. The doctor had told us that the baby was measuring behind and the heartbeat wasn’t where they’d like it to be. We were unaware of what this truly meant and had hope that all would be okay. One week later, we were back at the clinic for our checkup and got the worst news of our lives. The doctor called us into her office, closed the door behind us and we all sat down. She looked us in the eyes and said “I wish I had better news for you but unfortunately your baby’s heart has stopped beating.” She explained to us that we had had what’s called a missed miscarriage and I would have to take pills to expel the fetus. This experience was by far the worst in my life so far. Accepting that our baby had died and I now had to force it out of my body was horrific. The side effects to the medication definitely didn’t help either.
This happened in early December 2019 so we took the rest of the month to grieve and recuperate.
In February we were ready to try again and went back to the clinic. We were then diagnosed with “unexplained infertility” which honestly, isn’t even a thing. This news was difficult to hear since we didn’t have any answers for our infertility or miscarriage but we moved forward with medication to help induce ovulation. I had an appointment booked in March see how my follicles were growing and to check for ovulation. This was exactly when the world shut down, March 2020, so my appointment was cancelled. I was devastated as I now had to put my journey to baby H on hold. My business was shut down and everyone was told to stay indoors unless absolutely necessary. During this time I decided to take a pregnancy test, just for fun. Well it was positive! We were cautiously optimistic this time. We wanted to allow ourselves to be happy and to get excited but all while guarding our hearts.
I was scheduled for my first ultrasound and received less than stellar results, once again. They couldn’t really see much so I was scheduled to return in 2 weeks. These were the longest two weeks of my life, with no distractions and nothing but time to wait. I went to my ultrasound, terrified and was told that there was nothing there. We had once again, had a failed pregnancy and had to take the same protocol as last time. Our hearts were shattered and we were losing hope.
Over the course of the rest of the year we had tried a few more round to letrozole and experienced a few chemical miscarriages. I was losing hope in this clinic and was told by a friend to get a referral to a clinic in Toronto for IVF, even if it wasn’t something I was planning at that point. I am so grateful I listened, even though at that point I was in complete denial that I would ever need that much medical intervention.
We began at Create Fertility in Toronto in September 2021 and had our initial, extensive testing done. This clinic does all of the testing required to really pinpoint any issues you are having. They are the ones who finally figured out why we were having such problems. Aside from my thyroid condition, they found that I have multiple blood clotting gene mutations, which were causing the miscarriages. We finally had answers and a clear direction to go in! We jumped right in and tried an IUI, which unfortunately failed. Due to the 5 hour drive we had to make each time we visited the clinic, we all decided that heading straight into IVF would be the best for us.
I was loaded up with meds and injections and we were well on our way to what we’ve dreamt of for so long. The retrieval was scheduled in October and the transfer would be planned after we received our embryo test results back.
The results were amazing and we were now ready to prep for our transfer! Medications were added to my protocol and our transfer was scheduled for Christmas Eve.
Our transfer was successful and I am now 13 weeks pregnant! Although I am super happy and excited to be where I am today, there will always be that fear lingering.
What I’ve learnt this past year especially is that you really have to advocate for yourself. There are so many more details to our story that I could have shared but it would definitely turn this into a novel!
Check out my Instagram page for helpful tips and for more details on our journey to baby H, @bliss_candlesco.
Always remember, you are worthy of a baby.
]]>Ectopic Pregnancy
Our journey started July of 2020. I was 13 weeks pregnant and went In for my monthly appointment with my OBGYN. She couldn’t find a heartbeat and sent me for an ultrasound although she told me she wasn’t to worried as her Doppler was ancient. However, it wasn’t just her Doppler, there was no heartbeat. Options were given to me and I decided a D&C would be the best option.
Everything went smoothly and she told us we could start trying again after my next menstrual cycle. So come September, we started trying. And in January, I found out we were expecting again, with our second rainbow baby! We were elated. It had been a long 6 months overcoming the last loss and we couldn’t wait for October!
Mid-February I went for my dating ultrasound where they said that it looked like it was a low laying placenta but I was early (before 7 weeks) so it wasn’t accurate and wanted to scan me again in a couple weeks.
March 16th 2021. The day where we once again learned that this baby was not going to ever make it earth side. They diagnosed me with c-section scar ectopic pregnancy. Society mostly associates ectopic pregnancies with the Fallopian tubes. However, ectopic actually means that the embryo has implanted anywhere where it is not viable. My c-section scar became that place.
Ectopic pregnancies happen in 1 in 50 pregnancies. Of that 0.02%, c-section scar ectopics happen 1 in 2500. This condition was life and death for me, and we had to get to Edmonton ASAP. There was a very high chance of having my uterus rupture. No one knew that I was pregnant and so it was quite a bomb for our loved ones. We headed to Edmonton and met with the team. The next day they confirmed what the radiologist saw in Grande Prairie and a plan was made. To terminate the pregnancy.
This was going to be the safest way for me to survive. To keep my uterus and be able to try again. My husbands heart broke, mine shattered. Another loss. Except this time it was different. We had to make the choice to end it. In reality, it wasn’t a hard decision, but at the same time it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make.
I knew deep down that if we didn’t I would have died. But a small part of me will always wonder “what if”. “What if they read it wrong” “what If I didn’t rupture” “what if my baby would have been okay” “what if”. It has been a long year, with two major losses, a surgery, and endless days of wishing I was getting to feel my baby kick and move. But, this is my journey and I know I will get through it!
Child born with Disability
When I was 20 weeks pregnant we had our anatomy scan in grande prairie. We got a life changing call the next day. Our doctor wanted to see us as soon as we could get in to see her.
There was concerns about our baby and that she may have clubfeet. She wanted to be sure so we were booked in Edmonton for an ultrasound. It was a couple weeks away but it felt like months. Finally the day came. We had our ultrasound and the neonatologist came in and confirmed the diagnosis.
Lots of research was done on treatment and everything else we could imagine. Our baby was born at 37 weeks via emergency c-section and that is where our journey really began. On top of being born with clubfoot she was breech for the majority of my pregnancy which also left her with hip dysplasia and the inability to bend her knees.
She was literally folded in half for the first month of life. She started treatment for her clubfoot at 3 days old in the NICU. She was also fitted for a brace to help with hip dysplasia but that didn’t seem to work for her and her surgeon was happy that her hips would remain in the right spot without it.
Every week for 8 weeks we headed to town for our cast changes. We also went in for her interdisciplinary team appointments. You name them, they were involved. PT, OT, RD, and SLP (she was a lazy eater and wasn’t gaining weight) played vital roles in her development.
At 8 weeks the surgeon lengthened her Achilles’ tendon by performing a tenotomy. She was young enough that she didn’t need any anesthetic and the doctor could do the procedure in outpatients.
She was casted for 2 weeks and fitted for her first brace think of a snowboard that she wore for 23 hours a day. At about 7 months old, PT was concerned with relapse which is common in clubfoot and wanted us to see the clubfoot team at the Stollery children’s Hospital.
We made the 5 hour journey down to find out that the tenotomy had failed and she would need it done again. But, because she was that much older they had to use anesthesia this time. Back down to Edmonton a couple weeks later for her surgery. She did amazing and was casted again and sent home later that day.
We got home on a Friday and by Sunday she had kicked her casts off enough that we had to travel back down to Edmonton to be re-casted. Home again and two days later she had kicked them off AGAIN! So back to Edmonton for the third time in a week.
A week later and once she healed from surgery we were fitted for her ponsetti braces (similar to her first brace) in Edmonton. Two weeks after that we headed back to Edmonton to have a follow up on the braces. She had to wear them for 23 hours a day at the beginning and with direction from her team we were able to decrease wear time until it was just when she slept.
Every 3 months we headed to Edmonton for her 5 minute appointment with the team. At 2 years old her team and I were concerned that she wasn’t close to walking (even though her specialists didn’t seem concerned at all) we headed back to Edmonton and another doctors said she would need to wear AFO’s. After she was fitted for those she started walking almost immediately.
She no longer has to wear her AFO’s at night but is still wearing the ponsetti brace in place of it. This will be our normal until she is about 5 years old.
Having a child with any sort of disability is hard. No matter how strong your village is, no matter how much research you do, it is hard. I felt like I was in a haze for the first year of my child’s life. Head down and pushing forward. That is all I could do. She is now 3.5 and I am just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Kendal
]]>The past three years of my life have felt like I have been living in a perpetual state of grief. Life ebbs and flows. I would find my heart growing around my grief only to suffer another loss. It has been hard to heal. Life has a funny way of stirring up in us the parts that are not yet healed. Just when I think I’m done there is another layer.
]]>The past three years of my life have felt like I have been living in a perpetual state of grief. Life ebbs and flows. I would find my heart growing around my grief only to suffer another loss. It has been hard to heal. Life has a funny way of stirring up in us the parts that are not yet healed. Just when I think I’m done there is another layer.
I have been pregnant 5 times but I only have 1 child. 4 of those pregnancies have happened in a two and a half year span. My body has been through a lot. During that time my son was also diagnosed with autism. That diagnosis was hard for me. It’s hard to be a present parent when you are grieving. It’s hard to navigate appointments and therapies. It’s hard to prioritize yourself and your health. It’s just plain hard being a parent, but for him I kept going. Throughout the years the zest for life had slowly left my body. I often didn’t recognize my own reflection. I sometimes still find myself in that place, but I’m learning to give myself grace. I have learnt healing is not linear.
Our journey has led us to foster care. We currently have our first foster child. This experience has been incredibly humbling. I don’t know whether or not we will ever go through with IVF. The thought of experiencing all that comes along with fertility treatments and the possibility of another loss feels too overwhelming right now. Even though my journey has been filled with heartache, it has also been filled with many moments of joy. It has forced me to slow down and reassess what matters in life. To look at life through a trauma informed lenses. To see and accept others as they are without judgment. That we are all just figuring it out and it’s okay to fail and fail again. Our humanness is what makes life so beautiful.
My heart will always ache to have more children, but the heart ache has taught me many lessons. Some of them have been so unbelievably painful I didn’t know if I could carry on. Others have been so profoundly beautiful I’m thankful that I did. Along that journey I have discovered these 4 important lessons; grief is incredibly hard, trauma is stored in our bodies, the most beautiful and powerful gift you could give yourself is to heal, and that connection is the key to happiness. The journey to these truths were the moments that changed my life forever.
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.”
-Alexis
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Oct 5th 2017 we met with the paediatrician. He took every test imaginable and came back after what felt like an eternity with a diagnosis of Nephrotic Syndrome; a kidney disorder that causes your body to excrete too much protein in the urine which then leads to low albumin and swelling. It can also cause high blood cholesterol, blood clots, poor nutrition, infection, high blood pressure and renal failure. Childhood N.S can start at any age but usually begins between the ages of 2 and 5 years. It is a rare condition that effects about 16 out of every 100,000 children at any given time. We spent the next 5 days watching our baby receive bottles of human albumin and lasix (medication that makes you pee) through iv. We didn’t know then that this wasn’t going to be our only admission, she has now been admitted into hospital over 30 times to receive the same treatment, some stays are as short as two days some lasting weeks.
She was referred by the paediatrician to a nephrologist in Vancouver at the B.C children’s hospital. They meet us monthly in P.G for clinics and check ups. They first started her on prednisone in hopes to get her in remission. Remission is considered 3 consecutive days of negative protein in the urine which we monitor by doing daily urine tests. She reached remission quickly on the steroids which then followed quickly with a relapse (3 or more consecutive days of + protein). This repeated 3 times until she finally stopped reaching remission at all. At this point they decided it was time for a kidney biopsy.
April 23rd 2018- We made it to Vancouver for her scheduled biopsy. I was dressed in my yellow gown, gloves, boot covers, and hair net as I walked my baby down what felt like the longest and darkest hall until we made it into the operating room filled with nurses and drs all standing around the operating table. I held my baby while they gave her anesthesia until she went completely limp. It was easily the worst feeling I have ever felt. I was quickly pushed out of the room so they could begin surgery. It was a quick 40 minute procedure but sitting in the waiting room it felt more like days. Results would take awhile so they sent us home with a new medication to start, Tacrolimus a immunosuppressive drug.
She never reached remission with tacrolimus and we spent most of the time in hospital to get all the fluid off when she swelled, which was weekly. Sometimes, there would be 2-3 pounds of fluid inside her little body. We all agreed it was time to stop tacrolimus and start something new. The nephrologists decided we would wait to start something new until we did another biopsy. She wasn’t off tacrolimus long when we were driving to Vancouver for the second biopsy and we only made it as far as Prince George when Brae started vomiting and looking very lethargic so we decided we would stop at the hospital there and make sure everything was okay. Blood work showed a kidney injury and that her kidney function wasn’t good so we were then airlifted to Vancouver.
October 18th 2018- Braelyn had a second biopsy. We spent 3 weeks in the hospital while she healed from both the injury and the surgery.
Both her biopsies show that her Nephrotic syndrome is caused by minimal change disease. This is the most common cause of N.S in children. Minimal change disease results in abnormal kidney function, but when the kidney tissue is examined under the microscope it appears normal or nearly normal. The cause of the abnormal function typically can’t be determined.
It was decided that the injury was likely from stopping the tacro so it was restarted and hasn’t been stopped again. She has been battling this terrible disorder for so long, we’ve made so many trips to hospital the dates following all became a blur. So since her last biopsy they have tried other medications. Rituximab, a medication used to treat certain autoimmune diseases and types of cancer. She had two doses through iv which we had to travel to Vancouver for. It took 13 hours to administer each time. After that didn’t help they started her on a 12 week course of Cyclophosphamide which is a medication used as chemotherapy and to suppress the immune system all while taking oral lasix and iron daily (n.s caused her to be anemic). We aren’t sure what the magic trick was but Braelyn has been out of hospital since July 9th, 2019 however remains in constant relapse. Our house now feels like home. Our beds are no longer stiff cots in the corner listening to the beeping of the machines. We eat home cooked meals and not hospital mush. One day we hope to reach full remission to give her and her little body a well deserved break from it all until then we celebrate every small victory!
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Since trying to conceive 8 years ago, we've been through the ringer! And before that I already struggled with pretty nasty anxiety. I tried exercising and diet but good God I just really love food pairings. Like popcorn goes with scary movies, pizza with funny movies, chocolate with romance, food with life, etc. I eventually went on some magic pill the doctor gave me and I felt like I could really start to manage my life. But when it came time to trying for a baby, I didn’t want to be on any “unnecessary” medication. I’m totally rolling my eyes at myself right now.
After 4 failed IUI’s, 1 failed fresh and 1 failed frozen and no embryo’s left, the depression really started to set in. I hated pregnant people, I hated people that were getting married knowing they would be pregnant soon, I hated the doctors, I hated my husband. I hated myself. I hated God. I spent the next few weeks screaming at God. Cursing him while sobbing. I figured why not? He knows I’m thinking it and feeling it, so I might as well scream it! I wasn’t okay. I had no idea the deep dark depression I had fallen into for the next year until I had climbed out of it and looked back at myself. I was at my skinniest I’d ever been. And it was not healthy. I was never hungry. I had to force myself to eat daily just to suck my meds down for all the new crap growing inside of me. None of it a baby. Just cysts, endometriosis and that sort of thing. I only managed to work part-time. And if I wasn’t working, I was lying on the couch, in bed, on the floor. I wasn’t going out. Insomnia started to control my life shortly after that. I would be awake for days at a time. My body would literally jump and twitch uncontrollably in bed. My body was trying to fall asleep and my brain wasn’t letting it. Some nights I would quietly crawl out of bed and not let my husband in on the pain. I would curl up on the couch and watch Harry Potter nearly every night, all night. And other nights I would scream in pain. I would thrash on the bed, crying and screaming and somehow wanting to leave my own body. I wanted to be able to physically leave my body and not feel anymore. I would drag myself to the kitchen and lay on the cool floor and sob. I would sob as my husband sat next to me unable to help. I would beg him to take me to the hospital to put me out. I wanted to die, I just didn’t want to say it out loud. And then we would somehow get through the day only for the night to repeat itself again and again. I went to therapy, I denied drugs as I couldn’t possibly add more to my body while trying to have a baby, I took time off from everything. But nothing seemed to be working.
When one day I saw that there were auditions for a local play. I always wanted to get back into theater since I was a kid. And I thought, “yep, this is what I’m going to do with my time”. I couldn’t drown out my own thoughts or my pain, so I would distract myself. I remember telling my husband I was going to do this and hearing him almost choke to stifle what might have been laughter. I think he was so surprised that I was actually going to pick myself up and do something. And I don’t know how I did it, but I did. I needed it. Not only was the infertility taking it’s toll, but after my dad died, we lost people quickly. His brother died shortly after, then my grandma, then another uncle, and then my other grandma, my dad’s mom. I felt like I was losing every living connection to my dad. I felt like I had nothing more to lose at this point, so I went to that audition and I LOVED it. I didn’t care what role I got as long as I got one I could dive into. A few days later I found out I was Cinderella’s evil stepsister, Penelope (which by the way was the name we had set aside for our first girl). For 6 weeks straight we practiced. I was tired, I was sad, I would cry like a toddler because my body needed so many things and I didn’t know how to fix it. Then came show time. And our director, bless him, he worked with me to create this VERY funny and pretty stupid character. It gave me free range to do some improv with each show. He encouraged each stage choice I made and stayed to watch most shows. I felt like I was finally worth something even if I wasn’t a mom. Over 50 of our friends and family showed up to support me on that stage. And honestly, it saved my life. I truly believe if I wouldn’t have found that show and saw my life was still worth something, that I wouldn’t be here today.
I didn’t know that I could still be worth something even if I wasn’t a mom. I really believed that I was put on this earth to be a mom and if I wasn’t going to be, then what was the point. But because of everything I went through to become a mom, I find comfort in knowing that our girls will see me as so much more. That they will see me more than just a booger wiper and a diaper changer. That they will see me as a wife, a Christian, a photographer, a business owner, an advocate for foster families, adoption and infertility. That they will see that moms can be so many things at one time! That I am empowering them to know you don’t have to just have one answer to the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” Because, guess what? You can do all kinds of things. Sometimes it just takes a lot longer to get to doing those things then you imagined.
Kati and her husband Pat live in a small town Midwestern USA with their two adopted daughters, one foster daughter and one very indifferent cat, Harry. Kati is a photographer and small shop owner selling unique gear for those going through infertility, adoption and foster care. When she’s not re-reading Harry Potter or pretending to be a writer she enjoys traveling with her family, catching a great show and eating anything sweet. If you would like to learn more about Kati and her story, you can get in touch with her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter @pkvprint or you can visit her online store at www.pkvprint.com.
Over two years of trying to conceive a beautiful and healthy baby, this journey started off with the dream and for a moment it was a reality. After coming back home to Canada, after our destination wedding in Thailand, we fell pregnant with our first baby. I was so thrilled! I didn't think it would happen our first cycle but it did. I found out on Mother’s Day with the faintest line ever! I went to my Dr. and I had the most interesting experience, he asked if “I wanted to keep it” I said yes absolutely! And I went in for blood work. To this day I still wonder if he knew something I didn’t. But I just skipped out of the office so excited, on my lunch break I raced to the pet store. Yes the pet store to get a dog tag for our 14 week old puppy “Big Brother” on the one side and “Baby Minnie Coming Soon” on the back, I surprised my hubby and we were so thrilled! We told our parents. I knew about the 12 week rule, but I wanted to tell those close to us. Honestly, I never thought we would not have our baby 9 months later. We took photos and carried on. Our internal ultrasound in early June showed that the baby was 6 weeks and 1 day with no cardiac activity. The ultrasound tech informed me that sometimes it is too early to see and that we will need to come back in a few weeks. Due to my last cycle and not having a period when I got pregnant dating the baby was a challenge. So I didn't think anything of it.
I was supposed to go on a girls weekend and on my last bathroom trip before we hit the road I saw blood. I had slight spotting prior but this was fresh blood, again since I was reassured it was common I tried not to worry. I texted my midwife and went on the trip. The trip though I was so excited I was secretly trying to see where the nearest hospital is and how can I go without ruining the weekend for the other ladies. On the way home I began cramping large, painful contractions and I breathed through it. Went I got home I called the midwife and she encouraged me to rest and told me when to phone her back. I laid on the couch and had a full knowing to run to the washroom. I went to the bathroom and quickly I lost my baby. My dog was in the bathroom trying to comfort me and I waved him away and called my husband. We looked into the toilet bowl and I swooped up our baby and laid it on the toilet paper. On June 14, 2015 I would have a natural miscarriage. I cried. I failed. I miscarried. even as I write this 3.5 years later my heart still hurts. It was so scary for me.
I took a few days off work. I was in complete denial. “I was pregnant with twins, I only lost one! If I am careful and good I will keep the other twin!” I told myself this for two days until I got the blood work that my HcG level was zero. I tried to go back to work but I was so heartbroken, I took the rest of the week off and I was so overwhelmed. We were also hosting our “At home wedding party” that weekend as well. Not to mention my father in law was healing from his own accident two weeks prior. All these situations left me in a very undesirable state of physical, mental, emotional wellbeing, though I did not want to admit it. Smile and keep moving forward... right?
Two months later I would take some time off from my responsibilities and focus on self-care or as I call it #selfcaredarebear as I anxiously waited for my cycle to return so we could begin trying again. No one told me what to except, I did not think about the hormone imbalances, emotional imbalances and all the chaos around me and the chaos within me. Though, the self care dare was a start of my healing, this would serendipitously lead to yoga and my yoga teacher training that would set me on a path of Fertility Yoga. A hard year of negative home pregnancy tests, ovulation kits and so many damn big fat negatives and a suspected chemical pregnancy. my anxiety would come in hard and then gently pass and then come back again. I would search for natural ways to conceive. desperately looking through long scrolls of Pinterest anything to help me become pregnant. I stumbled onto acupuncture. I had no idea how much of a blessing that was. I finally felt listened to, understood and deeply supported. All of which I was craving. Prior I just began to feel more and more like an alien, as the friends around me fell pregnant and I didn't know what was going on with me.
Over a year and a half after my first miscarriage, I would be referred to an OBGYN and begin tests and procedures to further investigate our recurrent pregnancy loss and fertility troubles. Blood work, day 3 and 21, ultrasounds (which during that ultrasound I imaged the tech with a shocked look on her face! “Umm Mrs. Minnie” she would say....”You are pregnant! There is a baby in there!” but that did not happen. And I looked on the screen to my empty womb feeling so sad.) I had the HSG procedure completed which was fairly uncomfortable and spent the rest of the weekend resting. And then we proceeded with Clomid fertility medication. This was literally a tough pill to swallow, I wanted to try the natural fertility route, but I accepted that I was where I am and I made the commitment that if I was to take this medication I would not fight it mentally and allow my body to except it and work in harmony. We decided to go to Montreal and I meet my first Instagram fertility sister in person! It was so nice to chat with someone who understood where I was and how I was feeling.
When we got home I read affirmation cards and thought hmm maybe I will test after a long two week wait! And conceived another beautiful baby. We spent the Christmas holidays glowing and beaming brighter than any of the Christmas lights displays! Unfortunately, fate would claim that baby as well as we entered into this New Year. Even as we waited in the hospital and the doctor in emergency pulled us into a private room I thought it would be ok, but he informed us that the HcG levels had dropped significantly. I would pass the baby again in my home. That was the most painful one, physically and emotionally. I believed that it was a new year and I can heal from this devastation. I challenged myself to find different ways to help heal from this tragic loss. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I call this challenge #darriens100daysofhealing
I was sent for a Recurrent Pregnancy Loss blood work and more tests. I’m still waiting for all the results but they seem to have found something to look at: my blood clotting factors. It was a rough start to 2017 but two words kept coming up all around me: New Beginnings.
We continued onto two more rounds of Clomid. I thought for certain we would be referred to the fertility clinic next. I didn't know that I would conceive our miracle baby during my #100daysofhealing but I am so entirely grateful we did. Our first ultrasound we were so nervous! But we also, would have bet money that we were having twins! I am so serious! We just had the biggest feeling and so many beautiful signs from the Universe! During the ultrasound I was so nervous but right away the tech said she saw the heartbeat! THE MAGICAL LITTLE HEARTBEAT! It was surreal this little gummy bear looking thing on the screen is our baby! She said we are not allow to get or take any photos so I remember sketching it from memory in my journal. The pregnancy was comfortable, I took my medication and in the second trimester I would start injection medications every day. Until delivery. Not only would I experience a high risk pregnancy, I would learn that my father has lung cancer. Stage 4. But I kept moving forward, with my support system and the tools that I have learned during my journey I stayed strong and resilient. At 37 weeks we would learn that our baby boy has a growth restriction and we would need to deliver him before the weekend was over. I gave birth to my son Atlas.
November 26th 2017, 38 weeks and 6 days, at 1: 46 pm weighing 4 pounds 10 ounces we welcomed our son. Our world, a las, Atlas Oliver Minnie, here and in my arms and staring at me. Love filled me and the whole room. Atlas, had a growth restriction and was born at 4 pounds and 10 ounces and so we had a short stay in the NICU. It was so wonderful to bring our boy home and grow as a family together.
I am now navigating the postpartum journey. Still growing and still being resilient. Though my path to becoming a mother had been a heartbreaking time I have experienced greatness blossom from the darkness. I have learned so much about myself and where I want to go. I have become a certified Yoga instructor and focuses heavily on Yoga for Fertility. Created a local Fertility Support Group on Facebook and have many big dreams to bring that community together. With my thirst for more learning I have been studying and reading as much as I can about fertility and now I am a fertility coach! I believe that you deserve a shot at motherhood, I believe that you deserve the self care and self love you would wish for your miracle baby.
I see the opportunities and the hope that New Beginnings bring and I look forward to sharing with you and hearing about your personal journey with fertility.
Remember you are not alone you are the lotus in the mud and you can grow so beautifully,
sending love and light Darrien Minnie
www.darrienminnie.com/home/
Instagram: darrien_minnie_fertiltiy (fertility coaching and yoga) ttc.baby.minnie (my personal fertility journey)
For reasons, I cannot begin to understand (although, I have come to understand them a bit better now – as I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), I have not been able to have the one thing I have always wanted…a child. Women with PCOS do have the ability to get pregnant, but I have not been able to. Why would I have such an innate deep longing and desire, only to have the desires of my heart unfulfilled?
]]>-Andrea Brown
Photo Credit : Emily Jane Photography
Stylist : Laura Heagy Special Occasion Stylist
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Hi, I am Brandell Davis (aka in_godstiming on Instagram) and my husband is Adam Davis, our journey started in March of 2015. We decided it was time to get my IUD removed. We were giddy and nervous and naïve to what heartache was in store. We tried to conceive for about 12 months naturally, but both deep down knew something was wrong. We messaged our primary ob about ordering some fertility testing. My labs all came back normal which was somewhat reassuring but also crushing because we were searching for a culprit. Next my husband provided a semen sample. I will never forget the call my husband received on our Valentine’s Day dinner 2016. My heart sank, I knew the results were likely abnormal. Our doctor revealed my husband’s count was severely low and it would be difficult to ever conceive naturally. She recommended we set up a consultation with a fertility doctor and expect IVF to be discussed. She said we could see a urologist as well to make sure there were no “structural” abnormalities. Needless to say we did not finish our meal. We cried ourselves to sleep that night and just held one another.
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The urologist did further testing and put my husband on Clomid for several months. We continued to try natural in hopes of a miracle. Sadly, his count decreased even lower. The urologist did not give us a diagnosis but thinks the low count was likely related to a descent surgery he had as a baby. We discontinued the Clomid and paced ourselves for what was next. As the months went on we decided to follow through with the IVF consult. As predicted, IVF was recommended. This was terrifying financially, physically, and emotionally but we knew this was our fighting chance. We had no insurance coverage but thankfully were able to make payments as well as get some family help. We started baseline testing right away in August, 2016. Unfortunately, a saline sonohystragram for me revealed a uterine polyp and possible endometrosis. Our cycle was cancelled. I was prepped for surgery a couple weeks later. Surgery recovery was rough but I was filled with hope. The surgeon diagnosed me with Stage III endometrosis and removed the polyp. We were told even without the low sperm count we would not have been able to conceive with all the severe adhesions.
A few months later our fertility doctors started me on birth control to start the retrieval process. We started injections which left me with bruises and pain. During the injection process my 31 year old brother/best friend was murdered. I helped my mother function to plan his funeral. We were all so weak and weary. IVF was an outlet of hope for our family so we decided to continue treatment in the midst of all this. We retrieved 12 eggs, 9 of which were mature and only 3 that fertilized normally. All embryos arrested between days 4-6. The doctor did not have a definite reason this happened but attributed it to stress or possible egg quality concerns.
Our second cycle (January 2018), we switched to another clinic for the sake of trying something different. This clinic does multi-cycle packages making more cycles somewhat more “affordable”. Due to our history and a new low AMH diagnosis our doctor recommended we do a day 3 fresh transfer instead of day 5. We started w/ 10 follicles retrieved, 8 mature of which were mature, and 4 fertilized. When we arrived at the hospital for our transfer, we both felt strongly to transfer two since we could not be “as selective” as a day 5 transfer. Sadly we lost our other two embryos on day 6. And about two weeks later we found out the twins did not implant. We were left with nothing again. That cycle was the first time the doctor used the diagnosis “decreased ovarian reserve” for me.
Our third cycle aka our “Hail Mary” cycle (March 2018), we switched everything up including medications and supplements. The reason we called it that was because financially this was our last hope. We did an estrogen priming protocol which I personally think was our saving grace. Much to our surprise we retrieved 19, 9 of which fertilized (the most we ever had at that stage). Unfortunately, sometime during the stim process I developed another uterine polyp. We could not proceed with another fresh transfer as planned. Initially we were both devastated, but the delay was actually blessing in disguise. We had gained for the first time ever 2 blastocysts which both safely made it to the freezer. To some this may not sound like much but to us it was a sheer miracle. After I healed from surgery and completed a medicated FET protocol, we transferred our day 5 “A” on Memorial Day, 2018. Against all odds, we just received the news our beta HCG’s came back strong and we are officially pregnant. My husband and I are in awe of God’s faithfulness. It is very early, but we know that God is orchestrating all of this and are very hopeful. I can honestly say every injection, tear, dollar spent, setback, and surgery was worth it all. Thank you kindly for taking the time to read this, my prayer our journey brings other couples a new hope. God bless.
Brandell]]>My husband and I got married in February 2010. About 4 months later we decided we wanted to try to start a family and so we did! We tried for one month and found out we were pregnant right away! We were so excited and grateful that it didn’t take us long to get pregnant! We had heard some stories from other people about announcing your pregnancy so early so we wanted to wait until that 12 week safety mark to tell everyone. So we did. At 12 weeks, we announced it to the world, we were so excited! It was the first grandbaby on my husbands side and the second on my side. Everyone was so excited for us. We immediately went out and bought baby clothes and some essentials we thought we would need...
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A couple weeks later, I was at work and I started to feel some cramps, and had some light bleeding. I knew that implantation bleeding was not possible as I was too far along. I went into the doctor and my doctor assured me that everything was ok and this is quite normal. But, she made me an ultrasound appointment anyways to ease our minds. I waited a few days to get into the ultrasound and those few days were the longest of my life, even though my doctor assured me everything was ok, I kept bleeding heavier and heavier each day and getting more and more stomach pains. But I kept myself positive anyways. We went in for the ultrasound, it was really long, about 45 minutes, she kept going over the same spot over and over, and eventually, she stopped and all she said was “Your doctor will be in contact with you.” As soon as she wouldn’t let my husband in I knew we lost the baby. We had had a few other ultrasounds before this and they always let Luke in, so I knew, and our hearts broke. About 20 minutes later, my doctor called me to come in right away. Even though I knew we had lost it, I still held out hope that it was still somehow there. But it wasn’t, I walked in the room, and he said, “I think you know why I called you in....”
The doctor explained to me that I would have to have a D&C, which stands for dilation and curettage, essentially, they scrape out your uterus. This was devastating to hear, I couldn’t even imagine the thought of not being pregnant anymore without bringing a baby home. I went in the next day for a D&C, the nurses were very empathetic to me and treated me very well. At 14 weeks, we lost our baby.
For weeks after, I remember crying all the time, sitting at my desk at work, my co-workers would come by and give me hugs and tell me they were sorry and I would burst into tears. I never had the heart to share with everyone that we had lost our baby, which in turn, actually ended up being harder for me because I would run into people at Walmart or the grocery store and they would ask me when I was due and I would have to break the news to them and that was really hard to do.
About 3 months later we were given the go ahead to try for another baby. I was SO nervous, I took the pregnancy test after one month of trying again and found out we were pregnant again, but I didn’t feel excitement, I felt scared. We didn’t tell anyone. Not even our parents. Sure enough at about 7 weeks, I miscarried again, in my toilet, at work. We had another ultrasound to confirm it and now we had lost our 2nd baby. We started to feel like maybe it wasn’t in the cards for us to be able to have kids. We cried a lot for the next several weeks. And we decided we were going to try one more time, if it didn’t work this time, we were going to look at other options. About 3 months later, we got pregnant again, after the 1st try. Again, we felt scared. Everyday, I waited for the bleeding everytime I went to the washroom, we hit the 8 week mark, and sure enough, came the bleeding. I couldn’t believe it. How could this happen to me 3 times? We immediately made a doctors appointment and had an ultrasound the next day. We went into the waiting room, the ultrasounds tech took me in, and I started to cry, I just wanted her to tell me and get it over with. Then....she went and got my husband...I was so confused....I thought, why would she be doing this, she isn’t allowed to do this. Then she pointed to the screen, put the sound on, and said, “Do you hear that strong heartbeat?” We couldn’t even believe it.....she told us our baby was healthy and not to worry about the bleeding. After the initial bleeding, I never had it again, and on September 28, 2011 I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl and she was happy and healthy!
I went on to have a little baby boy 3 years later, I unfortunately suffered another miscarriage at 7 weeks after my second child, but went onto have a third baby, a boy after that! Now we have 3 healthy, beautiful children, but I never don’t think about the 3 we lost every day! I realized in going through these things that it is more common than I thought and having someone to talk to about it, would have helped a lot for me (at the time, I didn’t have anyone). It’s nice to know that there are resources in town that can help women and their families for things like miscarriages now! Listening to your stories, Alicia, has helped me realize that there are so many women that go through so many struggles and we really have a great community of women to support us through our tough journeys!
Thank you.
Brittany Rechsteiner
Photo Credit : Sevan Photography
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