The past three years of my life have felt like I have been living in a perpetual state of grief. Life ebbs and flows. I would find my heart growing around my grief only to suffer another loss. It has been hard to heal. Life has a funny way of stirring up in us the parts that are not yet healed. Just when I think I’m done there is another layer.
I have been pregnant 5 times but I only have 1 child. 4 of those pregnancies have happened in a two and a half year span. My body has been through a lot. During that time my son was also diagnosed with autism. That diagnosis was hard for me. It’s hard to be a present parent when you are grieving. It’s hard to navigate appointments and therapies. It’s hard to prioritize yourself and your health. It’s just plain hard being a parent, but for him I kept going. Throughout the years the zest for life had slowly left my body. I often didn’t recognize my own reflection. I sometimes still find myself in that place, but I’m learning to give myself grace. I have learnt healing is not linear.
Our journey has led us to foster care. We currently have our first foster child. This experience has been incredibly humbling. I don’t know whether or not we will ever go through with IVF. The thought of experiencing all that comes along with fertility treatments and the possibility of another loss feels too overwhelming right now. Even though my journey has been filled with heartache, it has also been filled with many moments of joy. It has forced me to slow down and reassess what matters in life. To look at life through a trauma informed lenses. To see and accept others as they are without judgment. That we are all just figuring it out and it’s okay to fail and fail again. Our humanness is what makes life so beautiful.
My heart will always ache to have more children, but the heart ache has taught me many lessons. Some of them have been so unbelievably painful I didn’t know if I could carry on. Others have been so profoundly beautiful I’m thankful that I did. Along that journey I have discovered these 4 important lessons; grief is incredibly hard, trauma is stored in our bodies, the most beautiful and powerful gift you could give yourself is to heal, and that connection is the key to happiness. The journey to these truths were the moments that changed my life forever.
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.”